In front of the world, you are the world’s ‘perfect couple’.

Behind closed doors: you are unhappy, dissatisfied, lonely.

What is going on in with you?  Your relationship?  These are the first questions to ask of yourself.  While extremely important  – too often couples first look to the “other” to identify what’s “wrong” and what needs to be “fixed”.  When this is the position are taken, the difficulties grow.  The unhappy functioning often sinks deeper and deeper into relationship quicksand and then cement.

There is no healthy movement.  Oh, there may be moments, events – but not sustaining. Not what you want. Not what you deserve.

Often, not always, the window dressing couple is hiding secrets that can be physically and emotionally draining – often physically and emotionally damaging.  No one in the house escapes the impact of this kind of household.

No one in the household escapes this type of  pain.  There is no such thing as “X is not good to me but is a great parent.”  I repeat – no such thing.

Home and relationships are the places in which one wants to find solace, peace, safety.  When abuse of any kind seeps in – solace, peace, safety…seep out.  There is no space for both.

If this is how you are living – it is likely past time to reach out for support – in whatever healthy areas one experiences support.  Counseling, church, support groups, education groups –

There is help to be had.  But living the way you are living now – or have lived in the past – is not living.

This could be the couple in which verbal/emotional/physical/sexual/financial/etc. abuse is occurring.  When this is the case, there is often shame attached – particularly for the person who is being harmed. It is shame inappropriately cast – and does no good.

These are complex issues that are typically happening during complex times – either internally (within the home environment) or externally (within the social/political environment).  It is necessary, critically important, life impacting, respectful, useful, and healthy to approach with curiosity and an opening for new understanding.  While abuse of any kind is never “ok” or “not that bad” or “justifiable” it is always happening for multiple reasons which curiosity can help uncover.  With new learning, new understanding – one can begin to formulate next healthy steps.

Should you stay?  Should you go?  Can this relationship benefit from professional help? Are you both emotionally willing and psychologically able to invest in healthy change?

Even if you believe the answers are “easy” they are also complex – Only you can decide what you are willing and able to live with and if you should.